Hey guys and gals,
Let me start by saying, I apologize for not keepin y'all updated in forever. The reason I have kept my blog in the dark was because I was in the dark and I didn't want all my posts to become as depressing and suicidal as I've been feelin, I will reveal all of that now and keep in mind I am doing a lot better.
One of the reasons I haven't posted much is because someone really close to me faded away a few months ago which allowed me to focus solely on myself... I did not like what I saw. I decided one way to figure out who I wanted to be (for myself, not everyone else) was to start doing things no one ever expected me to do; I started drinking/ partying more often, got into experimenting with hard drugs, picked up casually smoking cigarettes, lost my virginity and promptly boosted my number to four people. This all flurried into my life within about a month's time, which may make me sound like a cheap crack whore, but honestly I don't regret any of it. I promptly found out that this wasn't who I was meant to be or making me any happier when I wound up in the hospital overnight last week for an attempted prescription pill overdose. Excuse me for my language, but the only way I can describe how I felt in the hospital is fucked up; but I'm getting ahead of myself. This came after two consecutive nights of extremely heavy drinking (to the point where I was still drunk when I finally was falling asleep at 1130 the next mornings), as well as doing a line of coke and smoking weed on the first night and having sex with a different guy each night. I came stumbling into my house at around 1130 Sunday morning and went straight to our medicine cabinet where I promptly took just under 25 pills and went back to my room and fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later feeling super sick as well as scared, I called my friend, who hasn't really been talking to me, bawling and scared because I knew if I didn't take some sort of positive action I was gunna take more pills, she wound up contacting my mom who then got my little brother to drive me to the hospital. When I was at the hospital I had a couple friends, as well as my mom come visit me and to hold my hand while one nurse put an iv in one hand and the other nurse took some blood for tests from my other arm. Once everyone had left me for the night I found myself laying in the hospital bed all alone, staring at the wall and wondering just who would do what I had just spent the weekend doing (I'm not saying people who live like that are horrible, it's just clearly not me) and I would find myself staring at the iv coming out of my right hand with the most fucked up feeling, to be in that situation because of something you intentionally did to yourself makes everything super real, super fast. Laying in that hospital bed I decided I'm gunna quit all the habits I picked up in the last month, as well as drinking alcohol. It's only been exactly one week, but I already know I'm gunna be doing a lot better soon. (Which is why I feel I can make this blog post as I am no longer in that dark of a place.)
Now all that happened just last weekend, and the amount of progress I've made just this past 7 days absolutely overwhelms me and has had me super emotional and increasingly happy, thanks to all the people in my life who have showed how much they love and support me. All that was just last weekend, and this weekend I was singing a completely different song. This weekend I met up with a boy I originally met five years ago, but only really started talking to in these last couple months, we will refer to him as Donald Duck. He has got to be one of the sweetest, funny, and caring people I have ever encountered in my life and I'm really looking forward to see where we are going to end up, although he lives 4 1/2 hours away from me, he has made me smile and laugh when all I wanted was to curl up in a corner and cry for days. I really appreciate the fact that he came into my life when he did and he truly, in this moment makes me so happy I could cry. That's all I will say about him for now, but if you want more juicy details of our weekend together you can just contact me. I really do wanna take time to talk about one person who stepped in when I felt like the rest of the world stepped out and that is my absolutely gorgeous and loving best friend, Squinky. Without her I truly would not have made it through these last couple months, she is the one I can go to at anytime of day or night and talk to about absolutely anything without fear of her judging me in any way. There are not enough words to express how much I care for this young woman or how thankful and appreciative I am that she is in my life and isn't going anywhere any time soon. Squinky, I absolutely love you to pieces and I hope you know that the amount of thankfulness I have that you are in my life is absolutely indescribable and immeasurable. You are truly a gem of a human being and I don't know where I'd be without you, other than maybe buried deep under the soil.
Now I know those two paragraphs have completely different tones to them and I am thankful for both experiences as I have learned so much about myself through them. The thing I want to highlight is that over these past couple years I have been, at best, content with where I was and, at worst, wanting to end my life; but this last week of shedding negativity and deciding to allow myself to be happy instead of scared, well let's just say, I have no idea when the last time I was this happy was and I can't get enough of it. I've missed this version of me.
all my love,
University Girl <3
P.S I'm hoping to start hair school in August.
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