Hey all you crazy readers of my blog!!!!
Let me start by saying I apologize I have been depriving you all of the wonderful updates about my life lately, I am a very busy young lady!!! For example, at this moment I should be studying for my psychology midterm, which is tomorrow, and/or writing my five page essay that is due in english on Friday!!! But, seeing as Stud and Crazy J have both pointed out I haven't done any blog posts since Halloween, I figured I would take some time out of my super-crazy-busy life to talk to all of you...... you are welcome! ;P There have been many things stirring around in my heart and mind lately, things that I still don't really have a grasp on and I've been thinking and feeling them for weeks!!! Ugh!!! #thestruggleisreal! So I'm just gunna list a few things that I may or may not elaborate on that have been spinning through me: my ex, my priorities, how I constantly feel too old for my age, school stress, financial stress, Jesus things, and this thing called cardboard testimonies.
I will start with the last of the things listed... cardboard testimonies, many of you probably haven't heard of this, I know I hadn't before today. Basically, a cardboard testimony is when you write down some sort of struggle in your life on one side of the piece of cardboard, and on the other side you write down how God brought you through that. I bring up cardboard testimonies because there was a post on our residence page on facebook asking for volunteers to do a cardboard testimony for chapel next week, I watched a video about them and then decided that, although it was way outside my comfort zone, I was gunna do it. I messaged the person organizing it saying I would love to take part then started thinking about what I would write, I watched many cardboard testimony videos to kind of get an idea of how people presented theirs and each video brought me to tears. Throughout thinking what I was gunna do for mine, I came up with multiple ideas, this also kinda made me cry a lot, reflecting on all the hurt and then on all the ways God saved and redeemed me. At 937 tonight I continued to reflect on different times and my hand was drawn to a spot just above my chest while I worshiped, I have decided to share this story with you all and give you a glimpse of some of the dark times in my life.....
Late in the month of May of this passed year I found myself sitting on my bed, completely emotionless, wishing for my old mirror that I used to cut myself with, but I had thrown it away. When I get in this state I feel absolutely, not anger, not sadness and definitely not happiness. I was texting three of the people closest to me and even their plees to stop me had absolutely no effect on me. I was looking around my room and spotted some rusty scissors sitting in the holder attached to my lamp where my broken mirror used to sit. I couldn't stop myself, I picked them up and clutched the sharp portion hard in my hand, I called my best friend, but even her talking me through it didn't work, I was still completely numb and all I could feel was the sharp scissors, I hung up the phone after talking to her for a while. The feeling of the scissors in my hand had worn off so I took them and put the point lightly pushing into the space just above the center of my chest, then I felt it, the cold metal putting pressure on my chest, I felt something so I kept going. I pushed them in a little further and I felt that too, the dull pain spread through my entire chest as I applied more pressure, but then m body would stop registering the change in pressure I'd lean into it a little further or I'd twist it slightly and the warmth would again cascade through me. It was like I was covering myself in a security blanket, it made me feel something when nothing else did and it eventually calmed me down enough that I put the scissors down and I fell asleep.
I went through these situations many times and they were very hard and dark times in my life, I still fight this darkness occasionally, but God is working inside of me and helping me and saving me. One thing I didn't mention in this story was something about when I used to carve words into my legs, God protected me, I never bled or seriously hurt myself, when I was throwing it away I realized that the corner I had always attempted to use was the dullest corner of the mirror and it was almost impossible for me to cut myself on it. This was an example of a time where God protected me without me even noticing. So for my board on one side I may write, "Broken, Invisible, Cutter" and on the other side I will write something like " Restored, Redeemed, and Healed."
Lately, I have been extremely stressed about a lot of different things and I really am trying to work on trusting God with it all and realizing that none of it is in my control, but I am still stressing. My main stress right now would have to be financially, I am completely running out of money and having a really hard time finding a job. I have to make an appointment with the finance lady here at my University, just to attempt to figure out how I will possibly be able to afford another semester here, not even thinking about how I'm going to afford the next five years of my schooling! These financial problems are a giant weight on my shoulders that really make it difficult to completely enjoy each day. Another stress is school itself, I'm so set on doing well that it is absolutely crippling my mind and my spirit. This quest for knowledge and good grades is really overwhelming me and, well yeah just really overwhelming me. Another thing I'm somewhat stressed, but more just confused about is priorities, I've been very hesitant to blog about this as I know that Stud and Crazy J read this blog all the time and it's something they may see as completely ridiculous and weird, but here goes I guess, as my best friend says... "yolo right?" I should probably explain what I mean when I say I feel older than my age, this is in regards to my priorities and where I'm at in my life, compared to other people my age. First of all, I am completely sick of bars, I actually am finding that I really can't stand them, while everyone I know that are my age are complete bar stars! People my age are also generally focused on the here and now, maybe getting a career started or just moving out to get some independence, and a few have school as a top priority, what they are generally looking for in their lives is a casual girl or boyfriend, or just a new party spot and new friends. Here's where the seeming insanity comes in on my part, I'm totally ready to have a serious, Godly relationship with someone, I'm ready to settle down into my life and, if it wasn't for the fact that I am only in my first year of university, I would be all for starting a family with a significant other, I'm done with the partying and with the physical casual relationships, but this is definitely crazy, I'm only 19 and not even in a relationship and have no real perspective significant others. It definitely drives me insane.
Last thing on my list is my ex. I really do miss him as a friend and want to help him, but I know that any relationship between him and I would now be very harmful to both of us and I know we will never get back to the point where we are completely set on planning a wedding. This makes me incredibly sad. My best friend informed me that he told her that he will be coming to the city to enlist in the army tomorrow. To be honest I don't know if I'll be more disappointed if he comes to try and see me or if he doesn't, my stomach is in complete knots and I'm pretty sure it's just gunna explode either way. Stud says he wants to really hurt my ex for all the bad things I've told him he's done to me and I really appreciate the thought that Stud would stand up for me like this, but honestly I feel horrible for my ex, I know he's still really upset that I left him and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I wanna to slap and punch him so badly, but at the same time I just wanna help him, which is something I know I can't possibly do. I know if he was to show up that the look in his eye would absolutely break my heart, which is something I really can't handle right now.
So these are all the things that have been plaguing my mind, my heart, my stomach, and just my whole life. Thanks for sticking with me and reading all of this! I love you all!
Singing off now,
University Girl ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment