Some New Ramblings

Hey there readers!
So... I have no idea where this blog post is gunna go, I just feel like rambling and that I haven't been keeping y'all up to date, and that's unfair. Ok... I'll just start typing anything that pops into my head about my life lately.
First of all, I went home for the weekend and actually had a super good time, thanks to my crazy bonkers twin. :) We had a super stereotypical girls night and it was wonderful! We went out for supper with a couple of our friends then the two of us went back to my house and did face masks, toenails with foot massages, listened to music, talked about boys, read Cosmo and 17 magazine and drank some pina colada breezers.... SO YUMMY! Oh and then once we had fallen asleep I was talking in my sleep about how I thought she was upset and I actually woke her up, but she didn't realize I was sleeping so she got super worried and wound up waking me up. After that we wound up not being able to fall back asleep until about 7:30 because I kept rambling about "Peches and Pers" ( like peaches and pears but in that ermahgerd sort of way!) as well as rewriting the song roar so it was about penguins instead and sayin "YEAH BOYSSSS!! a lot! haha yeah.... I was a little more than a little bit overtired.
So there is one thing I haven't really talked about in this blog at all.... until NOW! and that is that I absolutely have no feelings for Smiles anymore, we even have bible study, prison ministry, and class together and I feel absolutely nothing for him, there was absolutely no connection between us, that's what made me having such a wild crush on him so absolutely ridiculous! But you guys kinda already knew that, here's the news.... I found someone who I actually do connect with, it was almost instantaneous. It all really started when we saw each other at a bar we were at and just started dancing together, he got my number from a friend of his after we had left and well... we've been talking ever since. He wrote me a super amazing poem, I read it all the time, but I can't show you guys, I was specifically told I couldn't show anyone, not even Crazy J! But yeah... you guys can trust me, it's beautiful. We've hung out a few times since then, always during the wee hours of the morning and we just sit and talk, well he talks, I mostly just laugh a lot. He actually mentions how all I do is laugh almost every time we hang out haha. He's probably one of the most intriguing people I've ever met, whenever one of my friends asks me what he's like that is the first word that pops into my head.
Oh another thing I can talk about is this poem I wrote the other night when I was lying in bed, it's not perfect yet, but I'll let you guys in on my second draft:

Can't Sleep. Too loud.
The melodies of my life have become the silent screams for help,
 accompanied only by the pounding of my battered heart against my ribcage.
Here I lay, in the burnt foundation of the truth I had built up around me.
I toss and turn as I desperately grasp for
any comforting piece of what had once existed.
A piece of happiness, of family, of peace.
It all seems so unfamiliar, so alien, so ancient to me now.
I sit up and try and build the ashes around me into
something recognizable, but all I get is burning eyes,
stinging with tears as my dreams fade into the rubble.
Too Loud. Can't Sleep.

There, that's it, still a work in progress, but I really like it so far. :) Ummmm I think that's all I gotta say for now. I love you all!

Sincerest regards,

University Girl ;)

A Fine Frenzy

Hey there guys, so here's the thing.... I'm completely addicted to this band called, "A Fine Frenzy," especially their song "Near To You." It's absolutely beautiful!!!! Like I pretty much can't handle the perfection that is so prevalent in this song! The beautiful simplicity that makes up the piano in the background and the marvelous lyrics that are so true and full of emotion. This song affects every one of my feels and hits me deep inside. It's a song about a girl who left a guy she loved because she knew it would never work and then she finds this guy and she feels like whenever she is near to him she is healing, she's asking him to stay by her side while she heals until she can return back to who she was before. I have legit been listening to this song on repeat for a good hour. I even texted Roomie and told her if she wanted to learn it on the piano I would sing it with her..... yeah it's that perfect, she agrees that it's a beautiful song as well. Sigh.... such beauty in a short four minutes, it's overwhelming actually, I have been layin on my bed, hair hanging over the edge, just staring at the ceiling listening to, and singing along with this amazing song. I should be working on various reading reports and questions that are due in the next two days, but I can't bring myself to do any of it, this song has complete control and all my focus. I discovered it by accidentally clicking on a different song of hers on Youtube last night, I had never heard of her, but I was immediately intrigued. Everyone needs intrigue in their lives, intrigue gives a new perspective and sense of curiosity, it's completely refreshing and puzzling all at the same time! Ugh, I'm going to do some more thinking now.
All my love,

University Girl ;)

It's Been A While.....

Hey guys and gals!!!
 I apologize for the absence of posts lately! I have wanted to post updates multiple times, but every time I go to post something I get way too many thoughts in my mind to the point that I'm overwhelmed or I rethink what I am about to post and I shake my head and debate whether or not I wanna share certain things that have been on my mind!!!! They are super secretive and idk if y'all are ready for it!  That being said, there are generic things that I really don't mind talking about, so I'll start with those and see where it goes and whether or not you guys get to know these secrets!!!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alright, anyways, we just got off our Christmas break and started second semester here at my University so I suppose I will start with how my break went. My Rock Awesome friend back home had her 19th birthday so we went to our local bar, which was pretty fun... well as fun as that bar can be anyway. It was fairly entertaining when one drunk guy kept taking his shirt off at the beginning of the night before getting kicked out and having this girl he was with start punching the giant security guard that was there and also being taken out of the bar. I got to have lots of alone chill time at my house over the two and a half week break, which was actually so good, I finally didn't constantly have someone in the same room and only had to clean up after myself, GLORIOUS!!!! haha. I also got to chill my Crazy Bonkers Twin a lot and got to see my friend who now lives in Texas and chill with her family, who I absolutely love and adore! It was pretty great! My new year's was spent with a few friends joking and drinking and watching infomercials! Oh and a few days before that I got my friend who loves to do beauty stuff to dye my hair and now it's purple! I absolutely love it, I've been told it suits me, but at the same time I feel like it's a completely new side of me! (in a good way.) Those are the main highlights of my break, not super exciting, but surprisingly great!
Now that we're back at school I have a whole new semester to look forward to! The main difference between last semester and this one is that I'm taking drama and not history! I had no idea I missed drama this much, it completely energizes me and I love it!!! YAY DRAMA!!!!! haha. Another difference is that Smiles is in one of my classes, theology. He's kind of a giant distraction because he sits between me and where the prof stands to teach, I'm gunna fail that class! haha jk.   Lion's Den is making a bagel and keeps talking to me, sorry to those who are waiting for my post! Ummm anyway I think that's all I will talk about for now! NO secret reveal for now!!!!!!
Thanks for reading!
All my love,

University Girl ;)

Tired of It

Ok so first I'll start with saying I'm super excited for Christmas and singing Christmas carols at 937 today brought back lots of memories of singing at the hospital in my town every year as well as a couple of my teachers in junior high singing jamacaiian style "go tell it on the mountain." 

That's good stuff, but I'm actually just really pissed right now. (Sorry for any bad language in this post.) Because I'm so sick and tired of these bullshit guilt trips and manipulation!!!! For example, I'm pretty sure my "father" has just decided to make it a tradition to lay a good old Christmas guilt trip on me.... NEWS FLASH JOHN this is exactly why I still haven't talked to you!!!!!! Another example, my effing roommate guilted me into taking her to McDonald's at one in the morning (an hour ago) when I had already informed her I was tired and in a lot of pain!! Her answer was that she was hungry and if I didn't drive her she would just drive herself, after having a couple drinks tonight and not actually being allowed to drive due to the fact she should be wearing a knee brace!!!! Ugh!!!!!! I'm just so done with these guilt trips! If I wanted to be manipulated I would have stayed with my ex!!!!!! And if i wanted people to make me feel like shit i would just resume talking with my "father's" side of the family because they do a damn good job!!!!!!!!!! i sure as helldon't  need it from anyone else, i've got enough guilt tripping and manipulation in my very own family, I don't need it everywhere else, thank you very much! I generally don't like talking about myself but if these people asked how I was doing every once and a while it would be effing lovely!!!! Ugh ok rant over. 

I'll end with something both funny and awkward.... Last week I had four nights in a row where I dreamt about making out with lions den!!!!!! So weird! Also he's generally the person who wakes me up so he can borrow my card to get food so I was instantly forced to transfer between a dream where I was making out with him to actually having a normal conversation with him haha I'm just glad I haven't had those dreams in a while!!! Also I am thoroughly enjoying all my chill time with Crazy J, when it's just me and her, we have lots of rants and such and it's all great good fun! But that's all for now folks!

Sincerely,

University Girl ;)

Words

Take a minute to think about just how many words you speak in a day!!!! Now, how many of those are really necessary?

Signed,

University Girl ;)

Ugh... Happiness

I'm gunna get straight into this....

So basically I'm just frustrated with other's happiness...... Roomie got a new boyfriend.... she's happy, which is great, but it's all she talks about and they are always together. She rubs happiness in everyone's faces, its kinda like how often she brings up cancer, except positive... I guess. Normally I wouldn't be this frustrated, but I'm still trying to fight against this depression stuff and am still very, very single (single isn't as bad as the depression, I don't really have time or emotional energy for a relationship, but still, c'mon!) As for the depression, I cried a lot last night, like until I fell asleep, then Roomie woke me up, at whatever time she finally got back to our room, just to tell me about how wonderful her night was, tell me all about how happy she is, and how excited she was that her and her new boyfriend were official. Shoot me in the face, please. I also got kinda grumpy cuz this boyfriend of hers is one of the guys I talk to occasionally and we are kinda friends, now its super weird to talk to him, cuz he's dating my roommate, ugh. This is gunna be very difficult and long for me.

Also I was texting my crazy ex today wishing him luck in the military because he enlisted on thursday, then he was somewhat of a dick and also said two creepy things. Ok so the way he was dickish was that I said I cared about everyone and he said i have a funny way of showing it (referring to how I haven't talked to him) and that two creepy things were 1) he mentioned that my name in his phone is still the nickname he had for me when we were dating... Special K. and 2) after saying I don't care, he said oh and "P.S. You still look beautiful... Saw you driving in town last weekend." Sweet intentions, but so creepy!!!!!!!! Ugh! Anyway that's all the ranting I can do right now.

Sincerely,

University Girl ;) 

***Place Original and Witty Title Here***

Hey all you crazy readers of my blog!!!!

Let me start by saying I apologize I have been depriving you all of the wonderful updates about my life lately, I am a very busy young lady!!! For example, at this moment I should be studying for my psychology midterm, which is tomorrow, and/or writing my five page essay that is due in english on Friday!!! But, seeing as Stud and Crazy J have both pointed out I haven't done any blog posts since Halloween, I figured I would take some time out of my super-crazy-busy life to talk to all of you...... you are welcome! ;P There have been many things stirring around in my heart and mind lately, things that I still don't really have a grasp on and I've been thinking and feeling them for weeks!!! Ugh!!! #thestruggleisreal! So I'm just gunna list a few things that I may or may not elaborate on that have been spinning through me: my ex, my priorities, how I constantly feel too old for my age, school stress, financial stress, Jesus things, and this thing called cardboard testimonies.
 I will start with the last of the things listed... cardboard testimonies, many of you probably haven't heard of this, I know I hadn't before today. Basically, a cardboard testimony is when you write down some sort of struggle in your life on one side of the piece of cardboard, and on the other side you write down how God brought you through that. I bring up cardboard testimonies because there was a post on our residence page on facebook asking for volunteers to do a cardboard testimony for chapel next week, I watched a video about them and then decided that, although it was way outside my comfort zone, I was gunna do it. I messaged the person organizing it saying I would love to take part then started thinking about what I would write, I watched many cardboard testimony videos to kind of get an idea of how people presented theirs and each video brought me to tears. Throughout thinking what I was gunna do for mine, I came up with multiple ideas, this also kinda made me cry a lot, reflecting on all the hurt and then on all the ways God saved and redeemed me. At 937 tonight I continued to reflect on different times and my hand was drawn to a spot just above my chest while I worshiped, I have decided to share this story with you all and give you a glimpse of some of the dark times in my life.....
Late in the month of May of this passed year I found myself sitting on my bed, completely emotionless, wishing for my old mirror that I used to cut myself with, but I had thrown it away. When I get in this state I feel absolutely, not anger, not sadness and definitely not happiness. I was texting three of the people closest to me and even their plees to stop me had absolutely no effect on me. I was looking around my room and spotted some rusty scissors sitting in the holder attached to my lamp where my broken mirror used to sit. I couldn't stop myself, I picked them up and clutched the sharp portion hard in my hand, I called my best friend, but even her talking me through it didn't work, I was still completely numb and all I could feel was the sharp scissors, I hung up the phone after talking to her for a while. The feeling of the scissors in my hand had worn off so I took them and put the point lightly pushing into the space just above the center of my chest, then I felt it, the cold metal putting pressure on my chest, I felt something so I kept going. I pushed them in a little further and I felt that too, the dull pain spread through my entire chest as I applied more pressure, but then m body would stop registering the change in pressure I'd lean into it a little further or I'd twist it slightly and the warmth would again cascade through me. It was like I was covering myself in a security blanket, it made me feel something when nothing else did and it eventually calmed me down enough that I put the scissors down and I fell asleep.
I went through these situations many times and they were very hard and dark times in my life, I still fight this darkness occasionally, but God is working inside of me and helping me and saving me. One thing I didn't mention in this story was something about when I used to carve words into my legs, God protected me, I never bled or seriously hurt myself, when I was throwing it away I realized that the corner I had always attempted to use was the dullest corner of the mirror and it was almost impossible for me to cut myself on it. This was an example of a time where God protected me without me even noticing. So for my board on one side I may write, "Broken, Invisible, Cutter" and on the other side I will write something like " Restored, Redeemed, and Healed."
Lately, I have been extremely stressed about a lot of different things and I really am trying to work on trusting God with it all and realizing that none of it is in my control, but I am still stressing. My main stress right now would have to be financially, I am completely running out of money and having a really hard time finding a job. I have to make an appointment with the finance lady here at my University, just to attempt to figure out how I will possibly be able to afford another semester here, not even thinking about how I'm going to afford the next five years of my schooling! These financial problems are a giant weight on my shoulders that really make it difficult to completely enjoy each day. Another stress is school itself, I'm so set on doing well that it is absolutely crippling my mind and my spirit. This quest for knowledge and good grades is really overwhelming me and, well yeah just really overwhelming me. Another thing I'm somewhat stressed, but more just confused about is priorities, I've been very hesitant to blog about this as I know that Stud and Crazy J read this blog all the time and it's something they may see as completely ridiculous and weird, but here goes I guess, as my best friend says... "yolo right?" I should probably explain what I mean when I say I feel older than my age, this is in regards to my priorities and where I'm at in my life, compared to other people my age. First of all, I am completely sick of bars, I actually am finding that I really can't stand them, while everyone I know that are my age are complete bar stars! People my age are also generally focused on the here and now, maybe getting a career started or just moving out to get some independence, and a few have school as a top priority, what they are generally looking for in their lives is a casual girl or boyfriend, or just a new party spot and new friends. Here's where the seeming insanity comes in on my part, I'm totally ready to have a serious, Godly relationship with someone, I'm ready to settle down into my life and, if it wasn't for the fact that I am only in my first year of university, I would be all for starting a family with a significant other, I'm done with the partying and with the physical casual relationships, but this is definitely crazy, I'm only 19 and not even in a relationship and have no real perspective significant others. It definitely drives me insane.
 Last thing on my list is my ex. I really do miss him as a friend and want to help him, but I know that any relationship between him and I would now be very harmful to both of us and I know we will never get back to the point where we are completely set on planning a wedding. This makes me incredibly sad. My best friend informed me that he told her that he will be coming to the city to enlist in the army tomorrow. To be honest I don't know if I'll be more disappointed if he comes to try and see me or if he doesn't, my stomach is in complete knots and I'm pretty sure it's just gunna explode either way. Stud says he wants to really hurt my ex for all the bad things I've told him he's done to me and I really appreciate the thought that Stud would stand up for me like this, but honestly I feel horrible for my ex, I know he's still really upset that I left him and there's nothing I can do to fix it. I wanna to slap and punch him so badly, but at the same time I just wanna help him, which is something I know I can't possibly do. I know if he was to show up that the look in his eye would absolutely break my heart, which is something I really can't handle right now.
So these are all the things that have been plaguing my mind, my heart, my stomach, and just my whole life. Thanks for sticking with me and reading all of this! I love you all!

Singing off now,

University Girl ;)